Raging Moderate

You don’t need 20/20 vision to see that the whole world is waiting for the Democratic Party to push back against the tyrannical tendencies of the Trump administration. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Those of you with weak stomachs need to avert your eyes and keep all children sequestered behind closed doors (at least until after the Midterms are over) because the current state of the American Opposition Party is… well, it ain’t pretty.

These pitiable progressives have managed to combine ineffectiveness with indecision. Add a sprinkle of incipient infirmity and a soupcon of both inert and inept, and you end up with a recipe for impotency, irrelevancy and extinction. A message that their candidates are finding increasingly difficult to sell to concerned constituents. “Join the Democrats. Just like you, we’re confused too.”

Watching them desperately bumble about these days is scarier than finding scorpions in your underwear. Like a letter from the IRS with a big red “Urgent!” stamped on the outside of the envelope. Or the sound of a gun being cocked in the dark. Nearby.

If this current liberal narrative were being chronicled on the big screen, it would qualify as the most boring horror movie ever made – another “Saw” sequel, but one in which everyone sits around talking to their detached limbs and absolutely nothing happens. They are “The Walking Dead” without all the light-hearted slapstick.

There is a growing consensus the Democratic Party should be stripped of the word “party” as it doesn’t really apply anymore. It certainly doesn’t fit in terms of celebration. There’s no frolicking or joviality or joy. Just finger-pointing, recrimination, and whining. Lots and lots of whining. “We can’t fight like him, we have morals.”

Then again, if you mean “party” in terms of a gathering of like-minded individuals, that too leaves quite a bit to be desired. More like a loose collection of misfits who cluster together for the sole purpose of claiming not to like President Donald Trump. Or each other. And that’s about it. They don’t really stand for anything, not even the National Anthem.

You can’t even accuse Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, because at this point they don’t cast one. Besides, it’s hard to see your shadow when your head is so far up your butt you can tickle your spleen with your elbow.

Not only are they not in the game, they don’t seem to be aware that one is being played. The Republicans attack with torches and pitchforks and the Democratic response is to introduce legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.

“You should put corks on those. Phosphorescent for nighttime visibility. And if you insist on carrying torches, they need to be flame-resistant. At least one and three-quarters inches long. Should come in for around $12 a piece. I know a guy who knows a guy that can knock them out for six.”

So if you’re waiting for Democrats to stand up to this wanna-be third world strongman and establish any sort of resistance at all, you’d best be advised not to hold your breath unless you enjoy that certain bluish look most often associated with people no longer eligible for social security benefits due to the fact they’ve become altogether much too skinny and dead.

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Copyright 2018, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.